Searching for Light

Hey, it's Starr. There's things i have been going through that i have never really told anyone, maybe i won't. i dont think i can, but over the past year and a half, my inner world became a dark place. and the light i clung to seemed to vanish. could it have been from something i've done, possibly, but i'm convinced it's something more.
A year and a half ago, my father's brother, his wife, and another brother's ex-wife made an attack of accusations against my father. This attack should have caused my father and mother to divorce after, at the time, 17 years of marriage and five years previous of knowing each other. Fights between my parents erupted and i didnt understand what was going on. for some reason unknown to me, my mother didnt leave my dad, but believed what he said was true and they realized what was happening. (now, my father's brother was the soundman at the church we currently attend remember that.)
the three against us went to the pastor and told him the accusations; he didnt do anything. every service since, they would linger and watch who we would talk to; they wouldnt leave until we did. they made sure they positioned themsleves to see where we were so later they could talk to and "pray" for the people we were with. many times over they would talk to those who were our friends and tell them not to hang around us. that we were no good liars, fakers, and propheliars. people who we were cool with stopped talkin to us and avoided us. even a couple personal attacks were made towards me. when my mother told the pastor, still he did nothing. our hope was that he was waiting on God and trying to make a decision. but then 9 months went by, and it all continues. we still laughed and worshiped no different, but the stress was takin its toll. our desire to go to church had dimmed.
finally, it seemed our liberation came, and they didnt show up one sunday. we couldn't believe it until 2 more sundays go by and they're not there. we had peace for the next 2 months, all it seemed was restored and we picked up where our lives left off. We were happy again. Until one sunday, when we walk in, we saw my father's brother and his wife sitting in the back. it was like life stopped again. nothing was clear. heaviness enveloped me. i knew it was too good to be true. my dad decided that we would leave VCT for the time being, until they left. he said he couldnt bare to bring his family through it again.
we find a temporal church and fit in nicely. once again, pretty normal. one day we decide to go back to VCT and realize the terrible three were gone. we tested the waters; still they did not come back. more months pass, and we return to VCT. But this time it's different. i was no longer happy there. i no longer worshipped. i was no longer the strong Christian girl that people came to for prayer. i sat in the back, with a bitter taste in my mouth. you see, the youth group there is cliquie and judgmental. if you dont go to youth services, and dont show up for a while, you're automatically a backslider in their book and they treat you like one. but i never left church, i just went to a differnt one. all of the friends i thought i had, the ones who would stop and talk or give me a hug, walked by me and wouldn't even look me in my eye. i was devastated. surely, by the way i behaved in church previously, they would no that i wasn't a backslider, i hadn't changed. i was just going through a really bad time. i would smile at them to get their attention and they'd look away. finally, i turned my hurt into anger. that was a stonger emotion to have. i wasnt as weak with it. i sat in the back with my sister and did nothing. made no attempt to get into the service, i just sat there. i was not only angry at the youth, but i was angry at the pastor. you see, we soon realized that his reasoning behind not doing anything when we made our complaints was because he needed that soundman. i thought our pastor had loved us. he said he did. yet he had no idea of the effects of what happened. even he would walk by and not speak. Now dont get me wrong, pastor is a good man, but even the heads get caught up in flesh and make bad decisions. i hope he realizes what he's done and one day makes it right. he's a good man, he just made a bad decision.
i was now angry and bitter. i hated coming to church. and, i was alone. but the worst part was, i knew i was angry and bitter, and i didnt know how to get out. i begged God daily to release me of the virus of bitterness. but a couple months went by, and i was the same. i felt myself pull away from God. guilt prevented me from talking to him. i wasnt worthy enough. my apologies were no good because i'll do the same thing again. sometimes i prayed for release; but my hope for freedom was gone. again, i pull further away. all conversation had stopped. any intimacy between us is no longer in existance. God is just a distant stranger i once knew.
Soon, after a talk with my father about my anger, i realize that me being bitter doesn't affect anyone else, just me. i knew that i was missing out on blessings i felt like i couldn't afford to lose. my bitterness began to fade. Easter of '09 is now in two weeks. church has ended. the drama team is doin Now Behold the Lamb again; i had a solo in it. the youth leader comes up to me and asks if i'll be at practice. i wouldnt want anything else. at practice that day, the remnants of my bitterness vanished. but my joy was short lived. Even though it seemed that the storm was over, the after effects were still there. my spiritual life was in shambles. i had become confused, untrusting, unsure, guilty, afraid. the Holy Spirit i knew and loved wasnt what it used to be any more, therefore, i tried to avoid getting touched by it. i didnt shout or cry or dance in the Spirit. i wasnt worthy. then, no matter how much i pushed and fought, something seemed to be pulling me even further away from God. sooner than i could realize, everything has fallen apart. I grew weary. I wanted to give up, and just live my life the way i wanted to. it didnt matter anyway. i wasnt sure of what to fight, and didnt know how to fight it. i was tired of always going through a trial. i just wanted to stop. even to this day i consider it. but then i remember, that even though he's distant, God is still there. and he wants me as bad as i need him. and even though i'm a big screw up, he loves me all the same. i cant fathom why. why he forgives me all the time. why he's so patient. why he doesn't give up on me. i almost wish he would. just so i feel i have gotten something i deserve.
So where am i today? The same place, waiting on God to move. Or do something. i feel like this trip is all i have left to look for. if it doesnt change me, then i have nothing left. nothing but a little hope, a little light that i'm searching for. Now do not take this as a tragic event. i do not want pity. i want witnesses. to how i am now. i want people to see, so sometime down the road, when i'm out of the darkness, they will give honor to the Lord for the great work he has done. Jesus is the light i'm searching for. but in the darkness, i can barely see it. it's there, i jsut cant get to it. So, i guess in me writing this i want to say. if you can relate at all to what i'm going through. please dont give up. please, keep fighting. find a piece of hope and hold on to it. remember God has not forgotten you. just hold on. i need someone to fight with. fight with me. search for the light.

Prayer

Hey everyone, this is only my second post ever but I would like to share a short story about the things God has been doing to prepare me for the trip. Ever since last summer,I have really felt a call from God to start a Bible study at my school. I go to a private christian school and we don't have one Bible study going on(sad, I know). So this past quarter, I got together with a few friends who had the same calling from God and we successfully started a Bible study on Wednesdays at lunch. Sometimes we have 30 people come. Only a movement of God could have brought out such a response. I praise God everyday for what he is doing at my school. Secondly, God has given others in my school the same zeal and passion for a revival. A prayer group has started and at seven, before school starts, about 15 people come and pray for our school and for Jesus to use us for his glory. God has been teaching me the power of prayer and how it draws christians closer to one another. When we pray for each other, we grow closer to God and our peers. I give all the glory to Jesus, it is by him I am able to do these things. Keep praying.

Garage and Bake Sale!

I mentioned in earlier posts that some friends and I are planning on having a garage and bake sale.... well it's this Saturday. If you are having a garage sale in Waterloo, then there is always one particular Saturday that everyone does it on. I have been getting a ton of stuff together, and, in a couple days I will be baking like crazy! It will be a blast and I am really hoping to raise a lot of money from it. All of the proceeds will be going towards buying things for the people of Guatemala. I'll take some pictures of the bake sale and post them on here! Hey- if you have any easy and amazing recipes... go ahead and email them to me! Dramaqueen004@gmail.com It would be much appreciated, I will make as much stuff as a can!

My friends and I have also been knitting wash clothes and hand towels. It's super easy and they turn out great! I posted a video of a couple of them.

Thanks for all of your prayers, everything is falling into place. Right now I am just focusing on getting my heart on track for the trip... so if you could pray for that, that would be great.

Living for Him,

Miranda